This weekend was halfway successful. I walked 3 miles Saturday and nothing on Sunday. I'm so happy to find a great route to walk with no mean dogs. I know I can go at least 3.5 miles with no dogs. I don't know beyond that. I need to remind myself that there aren't many good walking days left ths season and get out there more. I love going to the y but I love the outdoors even better but I'm definitely not a cold weather walker. I signed up for a 5K at the end of the month. I can't remember if I mentioned it. Not much training for that going on. I need a swift kick.

Don't even ask me about food. I've been so off track. Buying chips and ice cream. My main problem is not cooking. No excuse but laziness. I'm coming up on my 1 year anniversary and am not near where I wanted to be. I feel so disconnected that I can't even get to the emotions I feel about this. I can't get angry with myself or cry with dissappointment. I learned a long time ago not to feel. I can cry about things I see on TV but not about my own sad life. The closest I came is Saturday night when I seen a couple men in the grocery rushing around to buy Sweetest Day flowers. I felt so alone. And the only reason I think it got to me is that I seen my ex-boyfriend Friday night at the Football game and felt so distant from him. I can't believe there would come a day when we didn't know anything about each other's life. Even though we broke up 7 years ago, we always had some kind of contact and kept "tabs" on each other until this last year. I have a fair amount of friends but no one I can tell my deepest feelings to.

I've been blessed in so many ways but why do I still feel my life is so messed up and lonely. I ask God over and over to send me my soul mate. But I know that won't fix me.

I can't believe I even got this real with myself. I guess that is what happens when you can't sleep and get online in the middle of the night.