okay...I've partially snapped out of it. Thanks in part to Candy-o's nice comment and a biggest loser contest at work. I haven't exercises all week but I have got my eating under control. And I'm taking my vitamins everyday. I've averaged 1547 calories from monday till today (thursday). We're doing biggest loser at work. I debated on joining because I thought I had an unfair advantage with my band. But the more I thought about it and talked with others, I decided this is hard work and if I win it's becasue I deserved it.

Honestly, I hope one of my other co-workers wins. She 22 and very obese. About 150 pounds overweight. She's miserable and so depressed. I'm trying to cheer her on. One of our alzheimer's patient makes a comment about everyday about the "fat lady in therapy" (very loudly I might add) and my heart just breaks for her. She's so young and I hope she can do something about her weight now. Instead of waiting like I did.

Part of my depression is my overwhelming loneliness. Yet, I have no desire to get out and met people. I just want to hibernate until this weight is gone. I crave the day I get male attention again. But just not now. I wouldn't know what to do with attention right now. Growing up when I got attention from the opposite sex I thought the boys may be playing a trick on me by acting interested. Not that it ever really happened. But I was always afraid it would happen. I didn't get teased at all in school. I was always the sweet quiet girl. Nobody bothered me.

I've got to get back to my running groove. I'm panicking over this half-marathon and it's 4.5 months away. I'm afraid I'll procrastinate.

Okay....I'm feeling a little depressed. I thought this was going to be easier. I lost virtually all my weight on the liquid diet 10 days before surgery and have been up and down since then. I thought that this last fill (jan 10th) was the answer. While I feel restriction when I eat what I should be eating. Most of the time i'm ignoring what my body tells me and doing a lot of emotional eating. Today I had two bowls of ice cream. I know I shouldn't have ice cream in the house. But I keep thinking I can eat like a normal person and not over do it. NOT! I'm a food adddict. Full isn't enought for me. I have to eat too the point I'm sick. I'm too lazy to get to the bottom of why I do this. I need to buck up and get my life together. Here I am 37 years old. Alone. I need to grow up and quit acting like a baby.

I haven't done anything this weekend but sleep, read and watch TV. So, is this okay? Why do I feel so guitly when I do this. I guess it's because I have a lot of things I should be doing like working out, catching up work stuff, working on my second job stuff, and cleaning house. I feel guiltier when I go back to work and my co-worker ask me what I did all weekend. They all have kids and don't havethe free time I have. It also makes me feel like I'm sitting in this house and letting time pass me by. On the other hand, it's 8 degrees outside. I don't feel like going out of the house. I deserve down time. Being fat all my life, I guess I'm afraid of being labeled lazy. Even if I'm the one doing the labeling.

Work has been incredibly slow and we work on an efficiency requirement for our deptartment so I've been taking a lot of unpaid time off. It's hurting my pocketbook bad but I'm enjoying the time off. I'm trying to save my PTO pay for an actual vacation.

Because of all this time off, I got to the Y at a non busy time today. Did 20 minutes (3.6 miles) on the recumbent bike and 1 mile on the crosstrainer. Then, I got the bright idea that I was going to see how hard it was to run on the treadmill. I need to get started sooner or later. Anyway, I started with a 3 min walk/1 min run mix. I only did 15 minutes but it's a start. And it really didn't feel that hard. My heart rate shoot up though. Just for fun, I calculated how I would finish the mini-marathon if I kept the pace I set today. I'd finish in 4:05. If I can do that now....in 4 months and (hopefully) 20-40 pounds less, I'll be in good shape to make the deadline. Our local WalkAmerica walk use to be 12 miles and I walked (no running) that under 4 hours. When I first signed up for the mini, I was afraid of that time limit.

Also, I meet a lady at the Y that has the lap-band and lost 80 pounds. I really believe it was the hand of God that lead us to meet. I'm not usually there at that time. I usually have my MP3 player on and don't talk to people. I'm in my own little world. But today I left it in the car. She told me that there is local support meeting that I could attend. (My surgeon's support group is 40 miles away and not convienent). Also, this lady seemed really down. She had complication that resulted in a second surgery and she's been unable to hold a job due to depression. We talked for about 20 minutes and she said I made her day. Even with her complications, she said she didn't regret her surgery at all.

Just a quick post.

No weight loss resolutions this year. I think with the correct fill and the hard work of training for the half-marathon that the weight will come off. I am setting a few monthly goals.

• I will not charge anything on my credit cards this month
• I will log 80 miles in exercise this month. (I did 63 in Dec)
• I will start jogging this month.

I already got a good start today. Walked on the treadmill tonight for 30 minutes of which I jogged 5 minutes. It was a very slow jog and I only logged 1.6 miles but better than nothing. Tomorrow, will be better because I'll be at the Y.